The house is quiet.
My boys crashed when we got home from the birthday party last night. Pizza and friends and brownies and Pokemon and painting, followed closely with heavy eyes and jimmies and patterned breathing. Do they feel the years running through their fingertips like I do?
I fell asleep early, too, but my body desired to extend the hours of that sweet winter hibernation when my alarm called loudly this morning.
I gather my books and my phone, put on a hoodie and settle in for some quiet soul time in my living room, seeing the first few hints of blue light judging out the black night sky.
My husband kisses me goodbye and I hear the sound of the garage door, aching and squeaking as it opens and shuts.
The house is quiet. My soul drinks it up — I have been thirsty for this.
Come to me, you who thirst. Drink of living water.
My roots stretch down deep.
These last few weeks have been swallowed up, it seems. Friends ask me how things are going, and I pause, trying to find an honest answer, but it all feels like an immense library just out of reach. My heart pleads, “Give me some time. Let me go find a ladder so I can climb up there and open a book. Then I’ll know; then I can tell you. (Hopefully I can remember my PIN number while I’m at it.)”
There is no doubt that I have felt the weight of the spiritual these last few weeks–desiring to follow Jesus, feeling like I am so ill-equipped for the task, feeling that evil enemies are poking in at my vulnerable spots, wishing that the cares and trials of this world would just go away already. There’s this pressing nudge to just ignore it all: Stay busy, Christa. Just do the same things you’ve always done. Stick to the routine. Keep on responding that way. Avoid being vulnerable. Stay where it’s safe.
But my heart knows I can’t. I have tasted too much of the Lord to ignore it and to not want more. There is risk to get it. It’s scary and I don’t like it, but I love him and I love seeing glimpses of his glory.
And here is the drink the Lord gives to my thirsty soul in this quiet house:
“The Lord is my light and my salvation, so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? … Though a mighty army surround me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. The one thing I ask of the Lord–the thing I seek most–is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord’s perfections and meditating in his Temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock… Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patently for the Lord.” (excerpts from Psalm 27)
What a perfect picture for my longing soul. What confidence and courage that brings to my heart. My anxiety about the day and week ahead lift. Today, I can follow Jesus. Today, I can support my husband. Today, I can raise my boys. Today, I can step forward bravely and courageously, confident that the Lord will protect me from danger and fear.
He will do it.